"It's like taking a nap on that little rug when you were in kindergarten."

Spam – a – LOT!!

Oh my goodness. I was just cruising through my spam folder (1,941 spam messages since February 15th), and I must share some of the hilarity.

Spam, comments, filter

***

“Hey, stupefying deem !”

This is interesting. Usually when I’m called stupefying, it’s followed by “idiot” or a swear word. So … I feel pretty good about this one.

***

“Thanks Mark!! You just ROCKED my day.”

Hmm, you’re quite welcome, but you can call me MJ, Michael, or Mike, instead of Mark; since that’s my real name.

 ***

“I really feel really grateful to get discovered the webpage and appear ahead to a lot of additional entertaining moments reading right here.”

Thank you so much. Most of my readers really feel really grateful with so many of my entertaining moments as well. And I do hope that I have additional ones in the future to keep you coming back with more spam comments.

***

“Hahah, My laptop crashed when I was browsing http://www.mjmonaghan.com last time I was here.”

We have a legal disclaimer about these kinds of technical issues, so mjmonaghan is not held liable for any computer damage. I’m sure my site had nothing to do with it, and it would be very difficult to prove in court.

I’m so grateful that you can laugh about it, though. You must have a great sense of humor. :) I’m thinking you must be related to one of the following really funny people. And they love getting spam, btw:

Darla – aka D-Woww – http://shesamaineiac.com/
Jules at http://gojulesgo.com/, or
The B-Man - http://thebyronicman.com

Not spam, Jules, gojulesgo

The one and only goJulesgo.

***

“I don’t know who you are but certainly you’re going to be a famous blogger if you aren’t already ;) Cheers!”

I don’t know who you are, either, but this is so very kind of you to say.

You should know though, that I’m already a VERY famous blogger. More than five people visit this blog every day. Stupefy-ingly, a couple  of them actually read what I write!

***

“Keep functioning , splendid job!”

I’m not really sure how to take this spam comment. MLB frequently says these same words to me, but I won’t go into that. Perhaps you’re just glad that I’m alive and able to write this blog?? Next time you spam me, please elaborate. Thank you Mr. Spam – mer.

***

“You are a very intelligent person!”

I like where you’re going with this one, my spam-laden friend! A compliment like this might even move you to “approved comment” status. Alas, you probably really don’t know me or you might not have made such a false statement. Truth be told, my IQ is somewhere between Rain Man and Rainn Wilson, without the savant-ism or the comic timing.

***

“Its like you read my mind! You appear to know so much about this, like you wrote the book in it or something.”

You’ve nailed this one. I’ve been called The Mentalist so many times – stealing brainwaves from people like a kleptomaniac. I haven’t written a book “in” it yet, but I might write a book “on” it, someday.

***

“Excellent beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend your site.”

I’ve been known to lay down a track or two and do a little scratchin’. I guess I just have the rhythm. Thanks for noticing that. Makes me think you really do know me and that you aren’t just hitting me with spam.

And, young Jedi, I’m so glad that you finished off your spam comment with wanting to apprentice with me. That’s definitely something I don’t hear every day. Or. Ever!

***

 ”How long have you been blogging for? you make blogging look easy.”

Ah, my spam – tastic friend, I’m so glad you feel that it looks easy. Many others have commented that I make it look very painful.

Truth-be-told, I usually whip out a blog post in about five minutes, and never have a single glitch with WordPress. In fact, for me, blogging is so simple it’s like scooping up four-leaf clovers, by the handful, while riding a unicorn. Yep, it’s just that easy!

Unicorn, spam, four leaf clover

About to pick four-leaf clovers?

***

Do you ever read your spam comments?

Comments

  1. I get a lot of spam about banana bread. Seriously. And American Airways giveaways.

    Or perhaps these are not spam…

    Off to claim my two free tickets. After all, Diet Coke did give me a mini-fridge and whatnot…maybe this is another viral campaign?

    One can hope!

    :)

    • This banana bread thing is going around. If they actually left me some banana bread, I’d be happy, but NO, not a single piece!

      Good luck on the “free” tickets. I’m sure it will work out, M.

      And please send me some Diet Coke, I could use one right now.

  2. Judy Berman says:

    Michael, this is hysterical. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. If it’s any comfort, my junk mail dropped dramatically – watch, it will spike now – since I threw down the gauntlet and issued my manifesto.
    I often do read my “s” comments – I no longer say the “s” word – and many of them are just as delightful as yours. Then, they’re quickly and discretely discarded.

    • I aim to please, Judy. So thank you. They give us so much material, don’t they?

      Glad your junk mail is dropping. Mine seems to be pretty steady. I should really clear it more often than I do. Probably something bad about not clearing it, huh?

  3. These were so funny. I stupifyingly wish I too could apprentice you! Thanks for the good laugh. I’ve had a few spam, but not quite as many. I’m not popular enough yet apparently.

    Thanks for the laugh.

    • Thank you, Gina. So much great stuff in those comments. I only selected the ones I could actually somewhat read. So many don’t even make sense at all.

      Why do they do it?

  4. Oh yeah! I did a post about my spam (which all seemed to be p0rn, Russian, Japanese, or all three) a couple of months ago! It’s WILD the things in that folder.

  5. I get a lot of links to sunglasses and Michael Kors. They must think I’m a man. Or rich. My favorite so far started by telling me that I’m a f@(#ing b!t(h. Damn straight!

    • You fashionista, you! I must be at the bottom of the social totem pole. I don’t get anything that cool, ever.

      And just plain “wow” at the swearing at you. What’s up with that?

  6. Hi,
    There seems to be a lot of spam at the moment, a lot of WP bloggers including myself are getting hit with spam comments, from a certain airline (they know about it and are looking into it) and peanut muffins of all things, yesterday I got just over 70 from these 2 alone without the others, it is driving me crazy. :)

    • Mags, I’m not getting any of the airline spam or peanut muffin spam. I did get numerous banana nut muffin spam, though. Interesting.

      Wonder how they set up the algorithms to target which people for which spam.

    • Yes, I had over 50 spam in my box yesterday when I normally get maybe 1 or 2. And they were all banana nut muffins and an airline.

      MJ–I fully blame you for putting my link in your blog post. ;)

  7. Jennifer says:

    Hahaha, Sorry to burst your bubble, but I too am going to be a famous blogger, I know alot about everything, and I could write a book about it, expecially the finer details on 1 picture and a caption!
    I flick through my spam – so much these last few weeks argh! – and have a chuckle, many of them the same as yours. The airlines, viagara, and computers… where’s my peanut muffins??
    It’s good for a laugh though before I hit DEL!!! keep up the good work :)

    • Wow, and here I thought I was the only one! They just know the two of us are the best, right?? hehehe

      I’m so disappointed I haven’t gotten the airline spam. :(

  8. Andra Watkins says:

    I try not to any more. They scare me. :)

  9. Funny post. Thank goodness that spam is there so we have a never ending list of blog fodder. I get quite a bit of spam, but all of it has a great deal to do with male enhancement and performance drugs. What a mom like me is supposed to do with those little nuggets escapes me, but, hey, maybe the powers that be know something I don’t. Oh yeah, and I get a lot from lonely housewives looking to hook up. I’m very popular with that set, evidently.

    • You have some very good material there. Yours sounds more exciting than mine. I still want to know how the spammers decide to target what product, or service to what people. Inquiring minds, right?

  10. Most of the spams that I receive are in an off kilter English as though they were less than perfect translations from Arabic or Chinese and not from Romance Latin Base languages. Sometimes my regular wp visitors get spammed so I unspam those.

  11. Spammer are always ready and willing to show off their intelligence! Keep ‘amending’ your blog, and one day you really will be famous. Now about four-leaf clover scooping lessons…I need a few clovers.

  12. You are too true intelligence to boot! I would like to know more famous specifics about this topic. I will return to gain available for your knowledges.

  13. Love it. Spam comments are quite entertaining sometimes.

  14. You know, I don’t read the spam comments because they just make me laugh too hard and then it’s all play and no work. These are great comebacks, though so I might have to consider trolling the spam folder every now and again.

  15. Now I know where to look to really have really a lot of entertainment – your blog of course!

  16. Great post MJ! My carpet washing post generated the most spam! I hit double figures on that one, now I wish I’d saved some for sharing… It’s more annoying when regular followers who are able to comment logically without weird syntax errors or provide hints on how I can raise my rating get lumped in the same bin. Training the spam-bot is so tiresome sometimes :)

  17. Too funny! I love this post, mj. But to answer your question, no, I don’t read my spam; I have barely enough time to keep up with the blogs I follow.

  18. You crack me up MJ! I never read my spam but maybe I should. Your comments were hilarious!

  19. >Do you ever read your spam comments?
    - Thanks for the reminder! I hadn’t cleaned up in a while.

    I’m jealous. None of my spammers called me “intelligent”, but one said I was “doing the right thing”. So yaay! The rest are too boring to mention. Well, anything that doesn’t glorify me is boring. ;-)

    A post about spam? It does take a certain kind of skill to come up with such random topics for a post. Topics like these make people like me look twice at things we tend to gloss over or glaze over.

    Keep these rabbits outta your hat coming, MJ!

    Kate

    • Doing the right thing is so much better than being called intelligent, don’t you think?

      Well, again, I live in the mundane. Nothing too exciting in the mj world, so I have to find it in the minutiae. :)

      Looking forward to your next post, as always, Kate!

  20. Is it weird that my favorite part is “Keep functioning”???

    I mean, it IS good to have goals.
    And by that I mean “achievable goals”.

    In fact, I prefer “stupefyingly achievable goals.”

    Otherwise, life get’s too hard.
    Am I right?

    Splendid job, Mark.

    • I like how you roll, Julie.

      And why am I not surprised on the “Keep functioning” part? I expected so many more comments on that one.

      You do set the bar high, don’t you?!

      So glad someone got my name right. :)

  21. Like blogging isn’t time-consuming enough. Now I have to actually click on delete for my 500 spam comments?? Sometimes I worry there might be an actual credible comment in there (I’ve had that happen before) It’s all too much work for this lazy and short-attention-span blogger, MJ.

    • I hear you, D. Do check it periodically, though. I get one or two valid comments every couple of weeks. Usually days after the person commented – woops!

  22. I’ve been getting the same banana nut muffin ones and the airline ones lately. It’s funny, though, ALL of my spam comments are linked to only two of my blog posts– one about the Beauty Detox Solution way of eating, and one with a picture of a sign from the ladies’ washroom. (It’s funny to see spammers tell me that I helped them understand such a complex topic… and all I did was post a photo of feminine hygiene products.)

  23. sunshine says:

    another great post by MJ and spam is only good to eat…sparingly of course, due to hi salt/fat/whatever chemicals we don’t want to know about at this time. :(
    first you make me look at my search engine and now…oh, thanks for another assignment, master teacher…lol!

  24. Mj, It was hilarious. :) Noe I regret the fact that, I have deleted those 1500+ spams I got on my blog, thinking that they are of no use. I wonder how you thought of using those spams in such a funny way. Great post Mj. I was about to call you, “Mark”; but I thought Mj is sounding much better, as it’s original. :)

    • You’re too funny, Arindam. How did they get Mark out of the spam-bot, anyway? Can you believe that. At least get your victim’s name correct, right?

      I’m looking forward to your spam post, now. Just kidding. Your posts are much deeper and touching, and you write them so well. I admire what you do on your blog.

  25. Ha ha! :D
    I stopped reading mine’s, I just collectively delete them now but I do recognize a lot of those comments.
    Just so you know, I now have 7 670 spam comments! So I’m beating you… ;-)

  26. (very quietly whispering here) ~ (with big wide eyes open)

    oh ima so not ‘big time’ enough to have received anything like these lil jewels MJ ~ but then, perhaps for me that is a really good thing! YOU’RE AWESOME my friend & ima your friend @grammakaye on twitter.

    • Crazy spam! I’m glad you’re not receiving too many of these. They just clog the spam and trash folder anyway. I thought I’d take advantage of them coming my way. Turn a negative into a positive. :)

  27. There’s a similar thing in Ham radio circles called ‘cluster monkeys’. The different is that the cluster monkeys are humans not spam bots but I like the name and propose it is adopted for all such miscellaneous spam commentators.

    Incidentally, whilst I’m here I just wanted to say how holistically deft your blogging found my ears ablaze with function. So many times the words just leech excellence to the big, and captivation of the topic exactitudinally special. A pleasure, your is to be.

    • Very good point about Ham radio, Wireless Waffle. I had a friend, years ago, who was really into it, and I remember those kind of situations. Never hear of that term you used, though.

      Nice humor in the second paragraph, BTW, :)

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